i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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