Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize