I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
