Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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