I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
