hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
