I have demons in me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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