Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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