Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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