i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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