anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
