Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
