My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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