My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
