im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
