Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
