I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
