He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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