I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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