Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
