How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
