I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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