508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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