I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
i now understand why vodka
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
