my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
