My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I deserve this hangover.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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