in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
