That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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