so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
