Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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