I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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