naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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