where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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