I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
