he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
