Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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