My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
