im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
