Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize