We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
