I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize