piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
