i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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