Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize