Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
