I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
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