How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize