I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
