So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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