Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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