He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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