Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
