I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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