Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize