new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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