Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
