yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
