I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Is Oprah even human
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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